🌿Attachment- and relationship-oriented support in everyday life: Why both children need our attention

An everyday scene that reveals many things

Something happened yesterday at kindergarten that deeply touched me.

A boy, angry or overwhelmed, threw his shoe – and hit a girl with it.

Unintentionally. Just like it happens to children all the time.

But what happened next was the real reason why I hesitated inside.

Several adults immediately said:

"He didn't want that."

"That was unintentional."

Suddenly, the focus shifted solely to relieving the boy of some of the burden.

The girl – who was frightened and hurt – faded into the background.

And at the same time, the boy was left completely alone with his own feelings:

• the shock of what happened

• the overload

• of sadness

• the “I didn’t want it to happen, but it happened anyway”

Neither child was seen.

This situation exemplifies a common misunderstanding:

We judge situations from an adult perspective – and overlook the inner world of children.

🧠What does attachment- and relationship-oriented support really mean?

Attachment-oriented pedagogy is not a "feel-good concept".

It is a developmental psychological foundation:

✨Every behavior is an expression of an inner state.

✨Children need co-regulation, not judgment.

✨Relationships come before upbringing.

It's not about assigning blame or demanding apologies,

but it's about taking emotional reality seriously.

💛Hold the injured child first

If a child has been hurt or frightened, the first step is always:

"I see you. You were startled. I'm here."

This has nothing to do with assigning blame, but with safety.

Children first need reassurance, physical contact, and words to express their feelings.

Because what they feel is real – even if the incident was unintentional.

💛And then accompany the child taking action

The child who gave birth also needs our attention.

Many adults overlook how stressful unintentional mistakes are for children.

The boy in this situation probably sensed:

• "That's not what I wanted."

• "I'm afraid of getting into trouble."

• "I feel bad."

• "I am overwhelmed."

Attachment-oriented support means:

"You didn't want this. And it feels bad when something like this happens. I'm here."

Experience shows that a child calms down immediately when it realizes

that it is not judged, but understood.

🌱Why "unintentionality" is no reason to ignore feelings

Adults tend to quickly explain or "talk their way out" of situations:

• "It wasn't so bad after all."

• "He didn't do it intentionally."

• "That's just how it goes."

This is fatal for children.

Because:

Unintentional actions do not change the emotional experience.

A scare is a scare.

Pain is pain.

And at the same time:

An unintentional mistake also triggers feelings in the other child – often shame or fear.

If we don't accompany these feelings , children won't learn :

• empathy

• Responsibility

• self-efficacy

• Conflict resolution skills

Instead, they learn:

• "My feelings are not important."

• "I'm alone with this."

• "I have to function."

💬Why children apologize all by themselves

Many parents believe that apologies must be demanded.

However, from a developmental psychology perspective, the opposite is true:

👉🏻Children apologize on their own when they are held emotionally.

Empathy arises naturally in an atmosphere of safety, understanding, and connection.

That's why my own children often apologize to themselves – without me ever asking them to.

Children don't always have to accept apologies immediately. Sometimes they need distance, sometimes some time to reconnect with themselves.

I also apologize to my children when something happens to me.

Not because I am “guilty”,

but because I give them a model:

• take responsibility

• Naming feelings

• Repairing the relationship

That is what attachment-oriented support is all about.

💎Expert opinion: The inner world of both children counts

As a coach and educator, I always see such situations from two perspectives:

The hurt child needs comfort, security, and words to express their feelings.

The child in question needs co-regulation so that they are not left alone with their shock and overwhelm.

Being relationship-oriented does not mean that there is always harmony.

It is said that we should support children emotionally instead of downplaying or ignoring their feelings. For us adults, this means being able to tolerate feelings and give them space. And that brings us to ourselves. Our feelings also need space and support. We should give them that.

This is not a "soft" pedagogy –

It is modern developmental psychology,

strengthens children's emotional competence and makes them resilient in the long term.

💫Conclusion: Connection instead of judgment

This everyday scene in kindergarten illustrates something essential:

Children need us – with our presence, our empathy, our ability to see both sides.

Not your fault.

Not punishments.

Not moral appeals.

Rather:

🌱Co-regulation

🌱Relationship

🌱Language for feelings

🌱Role Model

🌱Connection

This way, children not only learn responsibility, but above all one thing:

To feel oneself and others.

And that's the foundation of every healthy relationship – for a lifetime. 🔆

🩷I am Woman.

✅If you want to learn,

• how you can support your child in emotionally difficult situations,

• how you live co-regulation in everyday life,

• how you can resolve conflicts without shame or punishment,

• or how you yourself become more confident and relaxed

Then I cordially invite you to a free initial consultation .

Book your free initial consultation here.