🛑You are allowed to leave – Why distancing yourself from your parents is not a failure, but healing

A trauma-informed blog post about cutting off contact, self-protection, and the difference between support and paternalism.

"I will never advise you to cut off contact with your parents – because that would mean you are rejecting your roots."

I recently heard this sentence in a video by a coach. And I want to deliberately address it here – not to expose anyone, but because it exemplifies how deeply intrusive concepts are still prevalent in the coaching and self-help scene.

🚫Recommendation? Or patronizing?

When a coach says, "I would never recommend breaking off contact," the first question that comes to mind is:

Since when is it our job to give recommendations?

As a professional guide – be it in coaching or therapy – I do not recommend how someone should live their life.

I provide guidance . I hold the space. I ask questions. I offer suggestions.

But the decision about which path someone takes is never mine.

A blanket refusal is just as intrusive as a blanket "You must break off contact".

Both are wrong. Both are an infringement on the other person's autonomy.

💥Children are never to blame – but are often left alone

When we talk about parents, we talk about attachment. And attachment is essential. For a child, being loved is vital for survival – even if it means sacrificing themselves in the process.

Children adapt. They swallow their pain. They carry guilt that was never theirs. And they develop defense mechanisms that often stay with them into adulthood.

When someone then says, "You mustn't break off contact with your parents, it's unhealthy," this old wound is reactivated.

Once again, the wounded child within us is told:

"You have to endure it. You have to understand. You mustn't protect yourself."

🛑Cutting off contact is not a failure – but often the first act of self-respect

No one separates from their parents lightly.

Breaking off contact is never easy. It is often the result of a long inner struggle, deep grief – and the desire for healing.

Many people only begin to understand their history through this distinction.

They stop ignoring themselves. They start taking themselves seriously.

🛑Setting boundaries is not an attack.

🛑Canceling is not hate.

🛑It is often the only way to break free from a destructive system.

🧠What does psychology say?

Modern trauma research – whether through polyvagal theory, attachment theories or systemic approaches – clearly shows:

In cases of abuse, emotional violence, or codependency, a clean break can be necessary and healing .

But: Only in a safe environment and accompanied.

Because: Without distance, reflection is not possible.

And without safety, there is no healing.

🌱You are allowed to live your truth – even if others don't understand it.

If you have broken off contact with your parents – or are thinking about doing so – then you know how much fear, doubt and guilt are involved.

But you are not alone.

You are not wrong.

Not weak.

Not "undeveloped".

You are brave.

🩷 “I AM WOMAN” means: I am allowed to say no

– and yes to myself

Your path is unique. And perhaps your greatest healing lies precisely in this:

That you protect yourself today – in a way that no one did back then.

You are allowed to honor your story. You are allowed to feel what was. And you are allowed to decide what you need.

Because true development does not begin with "forgiveness at any price".

But where you begin to believe in yourself.

You may leave.

You are allowed to set boundaries.

You are allowed to heal.

And you are still allowed to love – yourself first.

📌 If you are seeking support on your journey or recognize yourself in this topic – I will accompany you with compassion, clarity, and a trauma-sensitive perspective. You don't have to walk this path alone.